Meh, i'm tired, but i promised part two.

Reid finds World of Warcraft: Chapter 8

A date will always ring out in my mind, and it will forever be one of the best dates in history. May 11, 2004. The date in which Blizzard announced that the World of Warcraft beta would be released. I was only thirteen back then, but I still was able to shit my pants on command, and this was one of those times.
I had always loved blizzard, from the horrible single cell graphics of warcraft 1 and 2, to the advanced computers that could barley hold warcraft 3, and finally to the ultimate, World of Warcraft. The idea that I could play with thousands of other people around the world enticed me to the point where I would have given a Blizzard employee a blow job to be a paper boy in their company. It was truly bliss.
To this day I'm still surprised on how I even got my hands on World of Warcraft. I went to a cyber club regularly, just because I knew my computer was a piece of shit, and I met a younger child, around seven, who was stupid enough to actually let me use his World of Warcraft account. I immediately began to play like a mad man on crack; it was incredible, the terrain, the characters, everything about the game was perfection. I played on this dumbass account for some time, actually I even got to the point where I was one of the top raiding guild's main tanks, and if you don't understand WoW talk, then don't worry, just skip this chapter. I was thirteen, and I was a main tank, that was either sad or I just had some skill.
Well eventually, the dumbass that let me use his account wised up and realized that somebody who was actually good at the game was playing on his account. So, he changed the password on me. This was one of the saddest days of my life. I had been cut off, dismembered, detached from my WoW crack, and I was devastated. I needed to play again, I just needed to. So, by the time I raised enough money to buy my own computer, and my own WoW copy, the guild that loved me so, abandoned me behind, left me in the dust. It was time to move on, so I left the server and went to a new one, Draka, which was probably one of the best things I've ever done.
When I went to the new server, I was alone for some time, until I was able to convince Beard and Slappy that this game was freaking amazing, and they joined my server as well. Times were good, we got into a decent guild, and we had a good time. Eventually, Beard and Slappy moved on to different servers for some cosmic reason, to this day I really don't know why, but they did, I however, followed my online group of friends to the group of people who would probably change my life forever.
Around 2005, I met the group of people who would have the largest impact on my life out of anybody I knew. I simply knew them at first by these names -

%u2022 Kagehiro
%u2022 Panik
%u2022 Badruul
%u2022 Stompfist
%u2022 Nexxus
%u2022 Arrox

These five crazy bastards have shaped me to who I am today, and they are probably some of the craziest motherfuckers I know of. Nights would go by where I would be laughing my ass off at the antics told by these few players, and slowly but surely, I learned.

After thought:

I still play WoW, even today, and I'm still with these crazy bastards. I can go over everything I have learned from them, but here are the important things.

A. There is no drawn line for jokes.
B. Party hard
C. Somehow during all of the shit I do, study

An added bonus, these bastards somehow convinced me to go to West Virginia University. Truthfully, they probably don't want me to go there, but who cares?

Reid drives home with a drunk in the back: Chapter 9

Some time after I had received my license, I finally had the courage to drive to my parent's cabin. It's not a very long drive; usually it just took me about three hours, so I decided to drive up there by myself, with Beard along for the ride and partying at the cabin itself.
Well we had a great week, I could even relax to the point that if I took a shit, I probably wouldn't have realized that I had crapped myself. I was that relaxed, until the car ride home. My parents wanted me to drive Beard home, as well as a neighbor who was hung over from the night before. I agreed and slowly, we began our descent back towards our hometown. For liability issues and also for the fact that I don't want my neighbor to come over to my house and beat the shit out of me, I'll just call him "Nascar".
Nascar had a tendency to drink, a lot. I don't believe that he was or is a drunk, I just think that he likes to live life to its fullest, which I can understand completely, however, I learned from Nascar himself that you should NEVER drive home with a drunk in the back. Our first conversation of the car ride -

Nascar: "Hey Reid."
Me: "Yeah?"
Nascar: "Shut the fuck up and drive."

Most of the ride was spent with him rambling on about life in general, or other things, I truthfully lost track at one point due to the fact that he was talking so much. After an hour or so of silence, I became slightly worried about Nascar.

Me: "Yo Nascar, you ok?"
Nascar: He muffled something, I couldn't hear it.
Me: "Is that Ok?"
Nascar: "Three"

To this day I had no idea what he was talking about, and we will probably never know. But anyways, we continued to press forward on our excursion adventure, until we reached Hagerstown.

Nascar: "Yo Reid, let's stop for a moment."
Me: "No, we're going to keep driving."
Nascar: He scowled at me for a moment.
Nascar: "Fuck you"

I've always enjoyed the company of Nascar, and somehow, this adventure just made my time with him even better.

After Thought:

Don't drive home with a drunk, ever. It's always one of the strangest things a person can do.

Reid gets his eardrum punctured: Chapter 10

This has to be one of the most painful stories of my life. In ninth grade, Beard and I decided to actually get involved with our High School and help out with a play. It was probably one of the worst things we have ever done.
First of all, we were freshmen, so we were immediately hated by everybody else who was a part of the play. Secondly, we were totally spazzes, in which, we couldn't hold still for a single goddamn moment. It was as if we were on crack 24/7. So, we were given meaningless tasks to keep us "entertained" and one such task was the painting of a giant board to show off the play's actors.
Beard and I started to work on the board, painting it part by part, piece by piece, until we were about 75 percent done with it. After some time of painting, our minds began to wander, and we began to have sword bouts with the opposite ends of our paint sticks. I have no idea why we ever thought we could have a sword fight with paint sticks, but we did. After a while of our fighting, one of the play managers finally found us, fighting with paint sticks. Here is what was said -

Manager: "What the fuck are you two doing!?"
Me: "Umm..."
Manager: "Stop fucking around and finish that goddamn board!"

As the manager walked away, Beard was able to smugly add a little "bitch" under his breath, but not loudly enough for her to actually hear it. So, we began to once again, work on the giant board. We finally finished painting the giant piece of wood, and cleaned up all of our mess.
While cleaning, Beard receives a brilliant idea inside of his brain. He takes the opposite end of the paint stick, the round end, and goes in for the kill, towards my head. I turn my head slightly; to see what was happening, only to have the wooden end of a paint stick shoved into my ear, deeply. I can't describe the amount of pain that shot through me when that piece of wood penetrated my ear. I don't really remember everything I said, but some of it I do.

Me: "WHAT THE FUCK!? YOU FUCKING SHOVED THE PAINTBRUSH IN MY FUCKING EAR! HOLY SHIT OWW FUCKER! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THAT FUCKING HURT! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

Some more profanity was said, but I really don't remember the rest due to the immense pain. While rolling around on the floor however, I still learned that the paint brush was still lodged in my ear.

Me: "IT'S STILL IN MY FUCKING EAR! PULL IT OUT FUCKER!!"

Again, more profanity was said, but I've forgotten most of it. Beard then commenced to yank out the paint brush, and realized that there was a pool of blood on the tip of the brush's tip. Beard, this entire time, was laughing like a hyena.

Beard: "You ok *chuckle*"
Me: I slowly got up
Me: "Yeah, you goddamn piece of shit. You SHOVED A PAINTBRUSH IN MY GODDAMN EAR!! Who does THAT!?"
Beard: "*laughs*"

We then proceeded to go to his house, he at least offered dinner for my pain, and I accepted. After dinner, I called my father, and decided to go home. By this time, it was around 8:00 or so, and my head started to really hurt. So, I told my father what happened.

Dad: "Reid!? Why didn't you tell me earlier!? We need to go to the hospital NOW!"
Me: "It's not that important..."

So, we rush to the hospital at 9:00 on a school night, with me clutching my bleeding ear. We arrive at the hospital, and surprisingly, it only takes a few moments to get me into the emergency room and placed on a bed. Another few moments passed, and the doctor finally came in.
The doctor, an Arabic fellow, most likely Persian, began to inspect my ear and ask my questions. I don't remember any of those questions probably due to the fact that my head was probably swelling with blood. After a while, the doctor leaves for a moment and arrives back to give me the grave news.

Doctor: "Well your eardrum was touched, but not punctured. You got lucky."
Doctor: He began to draw out a picture of my ear on the paper sheet.
Doctor: "It seems however, that your ear canal is scratched up terribly, thus causing the blood. It's nothing to be worried about, just don't put any pressure on it tonight when you go to sleep."

We thanked the doctor and he left the room. My father and I stared at the picture for a moment, slowly realizing that the doctor had not drawn a picture of my ear, but what seemed a picture of a penis.

Dad: "Well at least we know that your penis is alright."

After a good laugh, we left the hospital, and went back home.

After Thought:

Never, ever, shove a paint brush in another person's ear. It's something that will cause massive pain, and it is not fun. To Beard, with much love and respect, fuck you.

Reid drinks for the first time: Chapter 11

The first time I officially drank was when I was 14 and at my house with my father. He was having a company party, and I wanted to join in on the festivities. So, I grab a shot glass, pour in some apple juice, and act as though I'm getting drunk. My father, cracked up, as well as all of his work friends.

Dad: "Oho! You want to drink? Alright!"

He pulls out another shot glass and pours some unknown clear liquid into it. All I could see of it was the name of the drink on the bottle. T-E-Q-U-I-L-A. Interesting name or at least it was to me. My father then brings out another shot glass, and pours some Tequila for himself. Two shot glasses sat on the table, and one had my name on it.

Dad: "Drink it."

With my father's friends watching, I slowly reached out for the shot glass. As soon as my arm grabbed the tiny glass, I slowly then began to tip the glass to the tip of my mouth. My father's hand shot out and covered the glass.

Dad: "I don't think so. You don't sip this; you have to shoot it down."

With a smile, my father grabs his shot glass, and with lightning speed, throws the Tequila from at least five feet away from him, or at least to me it seemed like five feet, safely into his mouth. He made a smacking noise with his lips, which somehow told me that he enjoyed it. To me, if my father enjoyed something, then I would enjoy it. I performed the same process and my father did, shooting the Tequila down my throat.
The next five seconds will possibly be the best moment in my life, were I hold the fastest speed record on land. My body threw itself from the bar to the sink in 1.4 seconds, then, in the next 3.6 seconds remaining, I threw up whatever the contents of the vile drink were into the sink. My face was pale, my father, and his friends, were all laughing at me. Bastards.

After Thought:

This goes out to the pre-teens or the 17 year olds today. If you drink because it's "Cool" well then you are a piece of shit that should go back to sucking your mothers tit. Drinking is not "cool" to put it simply, it's just something natural. After spending some time in Europe, I learned that drinking is a natural part of life, and we shouldn't treat it as though we are "fighting the system" or "showing up our parents" or even "acting cool".
I do drink today, although not regularly. Whenever my brother is back from college, we usually have a couple of drinks. Otherwise, it doesn't really bother me.

Reid goes to a concert: Chapter 12

My first concert that I ever attended was a concert at a small club called "The 930 club" in Washington D.C. Now this place, it was a bar, but they had a sizeable stage where you could have a mosh pit in front of it easily.
In my eleventh grade of high school, I decided to go to one of these "concerts" one day, so I tagged a long with a random group of friends who were going to see some fellow school kids play there. At first, I was not impressed. The club smelled as though some fat person was running around in circles, thus causing massive amounts of sweaty fumes to fill the room, eventually however, I got used to the smell, and accepted the sweatiness of the room itself.
The band played, and in reality, they sucked something awful. I can't even describe to this day what they sounded like, but to give readers some idea, it sounded like a wailing monkey on crack. That's the closest I can get to a sound, but it was just terrible. My friends however, loved this music, and they dragged me along into the most pit.
Inside the mosh pit, I made a couple of mistakes a person should never make while in a mosh pit.

A. I pissed off a large black man by somehow stepping on his foot. Nothing was ever proven, but he assumed that I was the one who did the stomping.
B. Some fat white guy got pissed off at me for bumping into him, however, he had to crawl through the mass amount of people to get to me in the first place, so I still don't understand how I could have hit him, if I wasn't standing next to him.
C. I spilt my soda on a girl's chest. Hot yes, but not smart. The boyfriend proceeded towards me.

So I was standing in the middle, with a large black man, a fat white guy, and an angry boyfriend all heading towards me. They didn't notice each other, for their focus was entirely on me. So, thinking quickly, I did the only thing I could possibly do. I ducked and dropped to the floor. I took some kicks to the back from random people dancing, but the three big men looked around for me in a stupor. I was able to army crawl myself out of the mosh pit, in which still stands to be a record for myself today, and safely exited the establishment.
Later that night, my friends exited the club as well, with me standing on the side of the building, and smiled. They were drunk as hell, which would make my life perfect. So, I was labeled as the D.D. and we were off back to Sterling. Once again, I was driving with not just one drunk, but about four drunks in the car. I've tried to forget the rest of the night, but it will never leave my mind.
The first problem occurred when friend #1 who sat in the passenger seat felt queasy.

Me: "Well of course you feel sick dipshit, how much did you drink?"
Friend #1: "I don't know, I just...BLEEEEEEEEGHHHHHHH!!!"

A jet of throw up erupted from my friend's mouth into his lap. Not good. When you have one person throw up, it starts a chain reaction.

Friend #2: "Oh shit! He just...BLEEEEEEEEGHHHHHHH!!!"
Friend #3: "Dude! That was in my...BLEEEEEEGHHHHHH!!!"
Friend #4: "Sick, pull the fuck...BLEEEEEEEGHHHHH!!!"

So now I'm driving in a car, an SUV, with four people who threw up in it. Luckily, they didn't continue to spew vomit, but they did in fact not look good. Friend #1 had a lovely pile of vomit in his lap, around his crotch. Friend #2 somehow aimed his vomit into friend #3's face, who then proceeded to vomit onto his feet. Friend #4 tried to aim his outside the window, for he somehow knew he was about to spew, but failed, thus causing a bunch of vomit to explode all over the glass window. The car smelled of, well, it just wasn't pretty.
We continued to drive until I found a gas station; actually it was a Seven Eleven gas station. I ran inside, found some paper towels and ordered the four friends to go in one at a time and clean up. While they cleaned themselves up, I began to wipe down the car with a single roll of paper towels. After about thirty minutes, we were able to drive again, with the stench of vomit lurking in the car.
To me, this night couldn't get worse, and it did. Apparently, when a teenager is driving on a highway at 11:30 at night, police somehow notices them, and pull them over. I was very afraid, I didn't want to loose my license or anything else, hell, I just didn't want to get raped in jail. The officer walked up to the car after we had pulled over. This conversation will stay with me, forever.

Me: "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You know your backlight is out...OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!
Me: "Umm...."
Officer: "JESUS CHRIST! IT SMELLS TERRIBLE!"
Me: Thinking quickly, I point to my friends stain covered lap
Me: "My friend had a really bad accident, Diarrhea, real bad.

The next thing that happened will possibly be the most pathetic thing anybody around me has ever done. In order to sell out the fact that he indeed did have diarrhea instead of him puking due to alcohol, Friend #1 actually shit his pants. It sounded as though a sloppy machinegun went off, and slowly a puddle formed around his groin. I guess he did have diarrhea.

Officer: "Good god, did he just...? HE DID! ALRIGHT, JUST GO, GO HOME NOW!!"

We got away, somehow. I was able to drive the group home safely, and finally, at around 2:00, I was able to get to my car and go home.

After Thought:

There's so much to cover here, I'll make it simple.

A. Do not ever piss off anybody at a concert, especially somebody who is bigger than you.
B. Never, ever, drive somebody home who is drunk. I got lucky once, but this time, it just wasn't good.
C. When you are pulled over by a cop, you may have to do something desperate in order to get away. If that means shitting your pants, then by all means do so.

I know for a fact that the owner of the car, Friend #1, has not yet removed the smell fully from his SUV, and I don't know if he ever will.

Reid learns that women can play video games too: Chapter 13

I met the woman called "Elite" when I was in seventh grade. She had moved to my town with her family, for her father was a priest and the new pastor at the church I went to. She was quiet at first, but after getting to know her just a little, I found out that women can game as well.
But Elite didn't stop there. She didn't just play games, she dominated. Before Elite came to my town, I was the best of the best, the master of masters, nobody could be me at a video game, until she came. We played one game of halo, one SINGLE game, and I stared in utter belief. I lost to a girl, no, I didn't just lose to a girl, I was anally raped by a girl in a video game that I was the best in.
From then on, Elite and I would see who was the better gamer, each time testing each other out, the gap closing ever so slowly. We would go to tournaments and see who was the better player, each time she would be in first, and me in second. I had to beat her, I just had to.

I never did, and probably never will.

I met the next female gamer when I was playing WoW. This little lady was known to me as "Grimkel" or in my terms "Crazy psycho bitch who is a jail guard and beats the shit out of people with batons." Yeah, she scares me. When I first met her, I truthfully didn't know she was a girl. So, I tested her out, and we had a duel online. Now I wasn't the best player out there, but I was pretty good, good enough to get some sort of reputation. Grimkel swept in, and dominated me. Again, my mouth was stared openly in disbelief of what had just occurred. I turned on the voice system to say the congratulations needed for Grimkel, and then I heard her voice. The first thing that rang in my mind?

Mind: "Shit, another one."

To this day, Grimkel still makes me her bitch, probably daily if she could.

After thought:

This is a short chapter, but it teaches a very important lesson. Gentlemen, females can not only play video games, they can beat the shit out of us at them.

Reid discovers "Napalm": Chapter 14

During my early years of High school, around ninth grade, I entered a "pyromaniac" stage. Everybody does it, and everybody loves to play with fire, well I did more than that, I researched fire. I went to the web and daily, I searched for ideas and creations I could make.
One day, while looking on the internet, I found an interesting recipe to make Napalm that wouldn't explode when it came in contact with air. This of course, intrigued me, so I gathered the necessary ingredients -

%u2022 Gasoline
%u2022 Styrofoam
%u2022 A big metal bowl
%u2022 A microwave

Now I really didn't pay attention to the instructions then, but looking at them now, I'm skeptical of what I was really making. I had to place the Styrofoam in a large metal bowl, then pour in the gasoline into the bowl. I had to take some potato mashers, and basically mix the Styrofoam and the gasoline into a nice goop. Well, I followed the instructions, and lo and behold, a purplish substance was sitting in the bowl.
The next part doesn't make sense. I had to take the bowl, and place it in the microwave for ten minutes. I followed the instructions, and somehow, the goop didn't explode nor combust while in the microwave. After it was done, the last step told me to place it outside for a few hours, it never specified how long, and so I took it outside.
This is when the shit hits the fan. I'm holding this large bowl full of an explosive substance, walking onto a deck with planks sticking out. Well, I tripped on one of the planks, and dumped the entire contents of the bowl over the edge of my deck. I was mortified, all of my hard work, wasted. I ran down the stairs to inspect my goop, and then I saw it.
Somehow, luck was on my side, I had dumped the purple goop all over a little bird. The bird struggled to break free, or it was struggling to breath, I had no idea, but it seemed to be suffocating. So an idea rang in my mind. There was a bird, suffocating by an explosive goop, would I let the bird die by suffocation, or have a cremation?
Well what would you do?
I grabbed a match, lit it, and dropped it into the goop. The bird was engulfed in flames, and I may have cried a little.

After thought:

Don't play with fire, ever. And don't try to do what I just told you. I probably made a mistake, for one would think that the gasoline would catch on fire while in the microwave.

May you rest in peace little bird.

Reid finds Pornography: Chapter 15

Every male at one point has found porno, somehow. I could have been through the internet, through a friend, or though random mail, but someway, somehow, males find porno.
I had already discovered porno, but this is a story when I found the real stuff. The real stuff such as, a "Porn maniac" there was so much, that it made the internet look like a play toy.
In my freshmen year of high school, I went to Beard's 15th birthday party. Recently, Beard's father had remarried, to a woman who had a son as well, for now, his name is "Playboy" but he's not a playboy, he will never be. So, we were hanging around at Beard's house, I think we were playing video games, but we decided to mess with his step brother for a bit.
Now from times past, we knew that Playboy was really into porno, to the point where it was just wrong. One example, there was a time when I was over at Beard's house, with B.S., and we were once again, playing video games. Beard's relatives were in town, and Playboy decided to steal their grandfather's lab top. Playboy proceeded to go to the upstairs bathroom, and sit inside the room for about three hours or so. We had no idea what he was doing, until finally, their mother became angry.

Mother: "Playboy! Get out of the damn bathroom now! Your grandmother needs to use it!"
Playboy: "Hold on, I'm busy!"

Another hour or so passes, until finally.

Mother: "Playboy get out of the bathroom now!"
Playboy: "Jesus Christ, can't a guy take a dump around here?!"
Mother: "I have a key!!"
Playboy: "No mom, wai-"

That's all Playboy got off before his mother barged in the bathroom, with the grandmother in tow. Playboy was in the bath tub, naked, with the lab top on his lower body. Apparently, he had been watching porn, for three to four hours, and he had somehow staying in the bath tub for that time, whacking off. All I could see from there was Playboy sprinting out of the bathroom to the basement, naked, with a lab top in his arms.
Another time was where Beard had just finished using his computer, and left for a few moments to go to the bathroom. In five minutes, Playboy ran into Beard's room, went on the computer, and immediately started to look at every porn site he could get his hands on. Before Beard exited the bathroom, Playboy had enough time to once again, sprint out of the room before anybody saw anything. The full extent of the destruction was unknown, until Beard realized that there were some viruses on his computer. They sent in a call to geek squad, and the agent looked at the computer with shock.
Beard did not have some viruses on his computer. He had literally over 9000 viruses. The agent had never seen anything like this before; he could only throw up his arms in frustration at the amount of viruses on the computer. Beard did go get another computer, and the old one was thrown into the trash, where nobody will ever find the record breaking amount of viruses, ever again.
So now you have a good idea of who Playboy exactly is, a porn loving person, simple enough. Back to the main story, the infiltration of his room.
Everybody knows a person's room is their private space, somewhere where people should never venture, but at the age of 15, you really don't care where you go, literally. Beard, Horny, and I entered the room and began to scrounge throughout the room, looking for well...anything really. After looking around for a while through some drawers, we found what we were looking for, the goldmine of porn.
It wasn't porn. To be correct, Playboy had spent the past two years or so stealing his mother's Victoria secret magazines, and he kept them stashes, in a single drawer. The next two things we found however, shocked us. First, there was a playboy magazine, which makes no sense how he got it without his mother's knowledge, seeing as how you have to mail it to the house usually, 7-11 does not hold those magazines, Maxim yes, Playboy no. Secondly, there was a single glove, which was stale. Now, I won't go into details about the glove, for the three of us agreed that we would never speak of that ever again and I'm violating something here, so we found that glove, and immediately gagged in our mouths, I partially threw up, but only in my mouth. Beard, the one who picked up the glove in the first place, threw the glove back into the drawer and washed his hands, probably with scalding water. I on the other hand, took the Playboy magazine, and rushed upstairs to their parents' bedroom. Without thinking, I threw the magazine under the bed, and then rushed back downstairs. Beard has just finished burning his hands, with the attempt to remove any foul toxins that were on it, and Horny had just finished laughing his ass off.
In about three minutes time, we had managed to somehow infiltrate a room, find an entire two-three years worth of porn stashed in one drawer, and find an horrid glove, which I hope to never see again.

After Thought:

Well, I don't know if Beard's parents ever found the Playboy magazine, if they did, it would make life hilarious. Beard constantly changes the password on his computer, even I don't know what it is anymore, otherwise, there's nothing else to say.
I hope to never see that glove ever again. Never again.

I know the spaces between the chapters are crazy, but they are necessary for me. I'm trying to get the book published (and somehow I'm actually talking to people, as if this book could make it right?) and so i need to have it in a certain format. It looks much nicer on the document. I know it needs massive editing, so if you see any problems, please tell, enjoy :D